A place where I can chronicle my family's journey through cancer. A place where WE can discuss our concerns. A place where WE can inspire each other. A place for hope.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Revelations & Tribulations

It's a little late right now, but I can't sleep (oh who am I kidding, I can sleep like it's nobody's business). There's just stuff on my mind that I need to let out.

It's been a little while since I posted anything in regards to treatment or myeloma-related. Life has been pretty consistent lately, nothing exciting. But I guess boring is good for now, right? Last week was the end of cycle 2, which felt like it went by in no time! February, in general, seems to have flown by! Good news is, the Velcade/Dex regimen seems to be doing its job and will hopefully continue to do so! M-spike levels are down by about 30% since diagnosis, which is pretty great considering we've only just finished our second cycle! As far as side-effects go, we've been blessed. And I'm thankful for every little blessing each day has given us. Aside from the obvious, my mom (and our family in general) hasn't been this healthy in a LONG.ASS time! She no longer needs to take iron supplements and her blood pressure is sitting at a very optimal level (around diagnosis, it was as high as 180/110!!! Now it hovers anywhere between 95/55 to 125/75). Things are, undoubtedly, a lot better. Ironically, cancer has forced us all to change for the better. We are stronger physically, mentally, and spiritually. Body, Mind, and Soul.

The other day, I told some of my close friends about the little situation that my family and I are in. A minor setback. I had told others, who are just as close to me, awhile back and it bothered me that I had waited so long to share the news... Which then triggered contemplation-mode. I had once wondered why my mom chose not to share the information with more people. I thought to myself, "if it were up to me, I would have tried to surround myself with my friends and family because I need their support through this". I know that she didn't (and still doesn't) want to tell many people because of all the commotion and stress it can cause on others (especially the grandparents), stuff like that. But it dawned on me the other day that the main thing that was pulling me back from telling my friends earlier was just simply because... It hurts. I'm not less-closer with these friends than the ones who already knew and am, by no means, in denial (I am trying to be as proactive as possible).But I realized that, for me, it all came down to the simple fact that it hurts every time I have to tell the same story. No matter how many times you tell someone that you or your family member has cancer, it doesn't really get easier. Every time I have to acknowledge that fact, it stings and it leaves a feeling of emptiness inside that brings you back to that "oh yeah" moment where you remember how serious the circumstances really are. It's like opening up scar tissue that has just finished healing. It's a wound that will never fully heal.

Despite that little revelation, I'm glad that I did it anyways. I'm not sure if this is how my mom feels, and I don't know if it will ever get any easier. In fact, this whole path that we've been shoved onto has been full of ifs, buts, and i-don't-knows. But what I DO know is that we've made it this far and are stronger than ever. I used to be a fairly pessimistic person, preferring to be safely negative than run the risk of being optimistic and disappointed. Complaining was something that I rather enjoyed, embarrassingly enough. But I've come to realize through all of this that there is always a good in every situation. How does that saying go again? You will always be able to see the light of a candle, even in a world full of darkness? My thoughts exactly. I'm taking baby steps here on what will undoubtedly be a long and arduous road. Will I ever be happy when I am complaining? I think not. And I want to be happy my friends, I want to be happy.
Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

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