A place where I can chronicle my family's journey through cancer. A place where WE can discuss our concerns. A place where WE can inspire each other. A place for hope.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Having A Moment Here...

Today was the first day that I've cried since diagnosis (I think?) Usually I'm pretty good at analyzing my own feelings and getting right to the source of the problem, but today... I'm not sure. I think just...the whole weight of the situation became a little too overwhelming for me. Everywhere I go, I feel like there's this pressure weighing down on my shoulders, and I know its something that won't go away until this situation is over. So I guess I better buckle up. I'm just so so so frustrated. Maybe more so with how my mom is dealing with this. Anytime there is a SHRED of non-encouraging news (not necessarily discouraging), she sinks into this place that one could probably accurately describe as depression. I'm trying SO hard to lift her up, but all the spirit and enthusiasm for life seems just totally drained from her. And then that gets me upset and snappy because all I want to do is shake her and tell her to snap out of it. But then I end up feeling bad afterwards and so on, so forth. It's an incredibly vicious cycle. This whole situation is such a complete fucking nightmare and sometimes I still have trouble grasping reality. I am just EXHAUSTED and honestly am having trouble thinking how much more I can take. But then, I remember just how much I love my mom and how incredibly hard this must be on her, which in turn helps ME to snap out of it. It took me a good little bit to get my shit together, but I got there and am now back on the horse. I had my moment, and now I'm ready to kick some butt. I guess the reason why I'm posting this is because... At the end of the day, its the love that we have for our loved ones (regardless of whether we are the patient or the caregiver) that gives us the strength to go on. Always remember this. So now you'll have to excuse me, I need to go and give my mom a hug.


Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network

1 comment:

  1. I have found that it is absolutely necessary for me to take some time and be depressed sometimes. I call it my pity party; sometimes I want to invite people and other times I want to be alone. Just think of the changes your Mom is going through and let her have a little grieving time. Then in an hour or so, bring her a cup of tea or a flower and see if she's ready to let go of the grief by her attitude. Certainly grief that does not end needs medical help but you will figure this out. There is a book-an older one -called "Passages Predictable Crises of Adult Life " by Gail Sheehy that tells what women go through during the stages in their life. A good read to understand women. Blessings to you and your family.